OBLIVION- WHO AM I?

 Of all the truths that I've defined in my life, none have remained whole and solid. they've crumbled over the years, one after the other all in the name of a cause that doesn't make sense anymore. today I argued with my dad over something that doesn't even involve him, something so feeble that we won't even remember the next day but something so inbuilt in me that I can't even imagine changing. I have lived opposite lives all my life and I struggle to understand an explanation for so many differences. Writing seems to be the only way to soothe my soul. I wonder if I'll ever know me and if the choices I made were worth it. I have always lived a life of illusions, I have always focused on being the best for my family but I don't know if I ignored everything to achieve that and I am still nowhere near it. 

No, I'm not 80-something breathing my last breaths but not even a kid who can find redemption in everything. I have been this super extroverted person my whole life and to be honest used people as per my needs and desires but still restricted to a small box that I nowhere seem to get out of. I thought I was balancing everything and that my thoughts, feelings, profession, and relations, everything. I thought it was all intact until I opened my eyes. No. I don't regret anything that I've ever done in my life because you regret when you can't make things right and it's the end, right? I thought I was brilliant but I was maybe fooling myself and distracting myself from everything around me. 

Things happen and as humans, we are supposed to handle them in the best way but maybe the way that we think is right isn't the only right way, and maybe that isn't the right for people around us. The last semester I woke up all alone in my room and realized I needed people to actually enhance and embrace the so-called "social animal" within me and I so, but now I realised maybe in all this socializing I forgot the real me.

A fleeting glance at my childhood reminds me of a girl who saw no ends and was actually the best, a child never been scolded by parents or teachers, a child who was always given all the love and attention by everyone, maybe that's where things went wrong. I have been independent long before I have known myself and with the best set of parents, it felt like a cup of tea. years passed away and I became nothing but better, always following the righteous path, and doing what was socially accepted and appreciated. Everyone's apple of the eye, girls used to fight and quarrel, I, whereas used to resolve their differences and behaved like this person who gave a shit about everyone, was good to everyone, actually never gave a fuck about anyone but her self, maybe I never lived but survived my whole life. 

So coming back to last semester, man it was fun and I did some real crazy shit, actually lived my college life to the best and I regret none of it, it taught me nothing because I barged my doors for 3 months. no, I didn't flunk any class, on the contrary, got the grades, to be honest, I didn't get an A the entire college life but this sem omg I got an A+, any illusion of how well I was at managing everything. I met a lot of new people and this time I didn't leave my old ones behind. This is something about me, I tend to lose people behind, it is not like I don't care but I don't even CARE, if you've been someone who has lived at multiple during childhood I believe you'll relate to it. 

I have never in my life had an emotional breakdown, even after I lost my mom, I didn't take time to grieve or something, all I thought of was focusing on what is next. I maybe never gave time and attention to my emotions. Come on man, I am 21 and I have never been in love, never been heartbroken, maybe I use my brain a little too much, or maybe my brain was in a closet and afraid of getting hurt. I cry a lot but only when watching any emotional drama. for real-life situations, I just do 20 burpees and puff, I am too tired to think of anything.

I have loved myself so much that I've turned into this idgaf narcissistic cunt. After all this socializing and trying to be a vulnerable thing, I have softened up not just a bit but a lot, now I do care about my inner circle and I do not use my brain when it comes to being there for them. This thing called emotions is something new to me. My dad used to counsel me to be vulnerable and live like humans but I always thought eww I am better as a robot at least no one can hurt me this way. Now, that I have felt it I can't take it. 

If you know me, you know how Keerat Kaur has an answer to everything and she can inspire anyone to live another day, well because I can. I was always too prepared for everything and knew what I had to do with my life and how I had to handle situations, but lately, I feel so messed up I can't find that always the ready-to-go thing in me, I am dependent on others and asking advice and trust me this has happened for the very first time. and I know as a human this is how I should live my life but I don't like the idea of this happening any longer. I feel like I have given too much of myself to everyone other than me. changing is good but evolving is better and one can't evolve until they know themselves. 

I am supposed to be packing my stuff and starting my job in the city where I LIVED for once but here I am having second thoughts, this shouldn't be much of a deal for me but it is appearing to be so. 

Lol, my thoughts are so varied and this blog is so lame but this is my head and for the first time in 21 years I have felt that I am messed up and perfection doesn't really exist, it is all subjective. And I am going to publish this jumbled essay just to feel a bit more vulnerable but not enough to lose myself. Everyone is built differently, isn't it? Maybe, my type is to take random social bye-byes and come out as a better and stronger version.

XOXO