WISH I GRIEVED EARLIER

 Losing someone close can come as a shock and then lead to years of depression, the pain is indescribable but ignoring it isn't the key. Grieving and accepting the absence of that loved one is the actual way to move on. Two years back I lost my mom to cancer and being Keerat Kaur, I took the entire thing as a challenge and got onto taking up new roles and responsibilities, I didn't cry let alone the whole grieving and mourning phase. I was proud of myself for handling things flawlessly until I realized that I am trauma stuck and not letting my emotions out has put me in a bubble of unreality. 

We lost her on October 2nd, 2020 and since then September and October have been hard months for me, I get derailed. To be exact, I get cranky, I work out till I can't feel my legs, I cut off people, and I avoid any sort of conversation. I knew I didn't let it go because I was, actually, I am too scared to say goodbye, but in order to reinvest that energy elsewhere, I have to. Speaking of crying, I am not that girl, you can break my heart into pieces and shatter down my soul but I still won't shed a single tear. It took me two years to realize that I never freed up that energy, I didn't grieve to sublimate my unclear emotions. 

I didn't know the actual meaning of grief until now. A few weeks back something happened, I don't know if it was fortunate or unfortunate but this scenario changed, and though it was just a temporary moment, yeah, it did happen. I blocked a really close friend because his actions weren't in favor of my self-respect and I felt bad, you won't believe but it took the energy of every single atom of my body to hit that block button. When I did, I cried, for hours, I actually grieved losing that person and after 24 hours, I felt so free and moved on that I never looked back. 

I got the sudden hit that maybe this is what I need to do to attain a more peaceful mindset. I made a lot of mistakes in the process of accepting my mother's loss. 

Mistakes During Dealing With Grief 

For a huge part of my life, I believed that ignoring pain would make it go faster and I won't deny the fact that it did get away for that particular moment but kept resurfacing and used to come back stronger all at once at certain intervals. This mindset became the biggest red flag for me and I am still working on it because it is hard to fight your own ego. Facing grief is the first step toward healing. 

"Crying makes you look weaker and you should not cry", this thought has been running across my mind forever. On losing Mumma this is what I had in mind, I didn't cry because I had to be the strong elder sister for my younger brother. It took me a long to realize that showing true feelings is something that can help and protect a family during hard times. Crying doesn't make you weak, in fact, hiding emotions turn you into a coward.

I was a person who thought, Taking someone's support was asking them to show pity and I didn't want anyone's sympathy or pity as I was capable of taking care of myself. I have had this attitude all the time that's the reason why I never share my feelings with anyone. I have always been afraid of vulnerability but it ain't bad all the time. Yesterday, I shared my emotions with two of my best friends and I won't deny that talking to them felt like something I should have done years ago. 

The biggest misconception I had was believing that moving on with life meant forgetting about loss. I have always been confused between moving on and forgetting, I mean I have moved on from people in the past but with time I have also forgotten them. It is not exactly easy for me to look back and remember those memories I have had with people, I have this toxic trait where I delete a person's existence from my mind in the name of moving on. I didn't, I actually can't do that to my mother. So, to get over this fear, I made this tiny album on my phone which has some of the best memories of us, all I have to do now is look that those memories when I feel like I am forgetting her and going ahead with my life.  

Taking Care for Oneself During Grieving

Well, my selfish amount of self-love has been beneficial at one point in my grieving period, that was being there for myself. 

Acknowledging pain- The most difficult part for me was acknowledging the pain, I am not a proficient person when it comes to dealing with pain, I often turn off my humanity switch and suppress my emotions till I feel nothing. This time I actually embraced all those hurt emotions and wrote them wrote, trust me I felt things that I never did before and I understood the direction of moving forward. As they say, you can't solve a problem when you don't know what the issue is. 

Releasing pain in a creative way- I went to journalling. This year has been quite messed up for me, I lost my balance this year and left behind some things that made me sane, including daily journaling. I used to write every day before bed but this year was so euphoric that all I wanted at night was my bed, and this is how I stopped releasing my emotions and they went into a deposit place in my heart. Now that I have started journalling again, I feel I am back in control of my life.  

Maintaining Physical Health- I am a preacher of the mind-body connection. Feeling healthy and comfortable in your own body is a step toward coping with emotions. I made some lifestyle changes, like eating clean, working out, sleeping early, and meditating, these did a spell on me. Do not lift your mood artificially using alcohol and drugs. 

What Was This About?

So, the moral of the story, cry whenever you feel like it. Talk to people, they aren't judging you, I know it is a huge deal if you are a fire sign, an Aries especially, but it helps. Grieving not only gives you a fresh start but also provides you with a better understanding of the world. Moreover, it provides you with the feeling of gratefulness and the confidence to cope with anything that life throws at you. It also helps in analyzing oneself and provides a better understanding of self and one's own strengths. In case you haven't grieved losing a loved one please do, it helps. And it shouldn't be just someone who has passed away, it can be anything, grieving an old relationship or your dog or moving away or losing your job. We gotta balance the elements of nature and provide it with both smiles and tears. 

XOXO <3